Motherisms: Impending Doom/Christmas …

It’s been a period of review for me according to the stars, who always give me the most reliable life advice, and what better place to end that period of review than down in Devon, with mum, who’s always ready to give a review ….

 

Mum’s on the phone ..

“How is Crystal Meth or whatever her name is?”

 

We are going to go and have a look in the charity shops …

Mum: It’s the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Me: Ew.

 

Mum is looking in the mirror …

“Strange, the older you get, the more you can see your parents in you, I can see both my parents but I can’t see me …. The wonders of old age!”

 

A guy with a broken leg is taking an incredibly long time to cross the road …

Mum: Come on you fucking cripple.

Me: Mum! That could have been me …

Mum: It was me …. I have no mercy.

 

Mum has a fabulous Austin Reed fake fur coat which means that she makes a massive display of being very hot whenever we go inside anywhere, much like a 2 year old would. We’re back in the car and it’s back to the coat ….

“Who needs a flat? I could live in this coat in the car …”

 

There’s an advert for some shit Morrisons version of Baileys …

Advert: Some drinks you just know will be popular at Christmas …

Mum: Yeah, any…

 

Mum has just showed me a funny video of a little dog in booties on her ancient computer, she turns to the even more decrepit television with verve, remote in hand …

Mum: Now! Back to Hitler, look at me multi tasking with all my machines ..

Me: Very impressive …

 

An innocent smoothie advert comes on telling you to buy a smoothie to help the aged, mum mutters ….

“Buy an old person a bottle of gin, they’ll be much happier.”

 

Mum’s talking about how she turned down being in a documentary, refuses to write an autobiography, but still plans on being very rich in her old age …

“I remember Dave Gilmore saying all we have to do is stay alive and we’ll make a fortune … I’m still alive … still waiting ….”

 

There’s an advert on where everyone’s putting decorations on their Christmas trees, mum does of course have something to say on the subject …

“Fathers always lose it at the point, they want to take absolute control but they’ve drunk too much and then the children get over excited, someone ends up in tears … it’s never how it’s supposed to be.”

 

There’s a massive crowd shot of the Nazis at one of Hitlers speeches …

Me: Jesus Christ

Narrator: For a narcissist with a vision …

Me: … he didn’t do too badly …

Mum: No, puts the threat of One Direction in perspective.

 

The Hitler documentary is talking about how Germany wanted a hero, mum retorts …

“Heroes relieve people of their responsibility.”

 

We go outside ….

Mum: Am I wearing too much make up?

Me: No

Mum: You never can tell in that flat, the light’s so bad you can come out looking like the whore of Babylon.

 

We’re back on charity shops …

Mum: do you want to go to the cat charity shop?

Me: Not really …

Mum: No I went in there the other day, I didn’t find anything but mad people.

 

We are in Sainsburys, mum is chatting to a cashier who’s worked there for nearly 20 years, he’s talking about his next holiday …

Man: Yeah we’re going to go to Tenerife next year ..

Mum: Oh no! Oh not Tenerife darling really

The guy looks a little shocked.

Me: Don’t worry, she’s just too old.

Everybody laughs.  We walk off.

Me: Mum you can’t say that to people.

Mum: Yes I can. Tenerife’s hideous, it’s no secret.

 

We’ve just bought some nice Christmas cards …

Mum: I’m only going to do a few Christmas cards this year, just for cousins … and Aunty Mardy, if she’s still alive …..

 

A man fails to indicate and darts in front of us ….

Mum: BLOODY IDIOT!

 

She takes a quick look at the vista…

Mum: See that’s what I love about it here, so nice and quiet.

 

We’re back inside and there’s an advert on for a fear of flying programme, they’re all either quite mad or enormous or both …

Mum: Well they shouldn’t really be traveling anyway …

 

I think she is talking about in their fragile mental state …

Mum: Terribly bad advert for our country.

 

I call someone a douche bag, mum very innocently responds …

“I’ve never met anyone who’s seen a douchebag.”

I proceed to end up in a fit of hysterics in the bathroom after trying to suppress my laughter for too long.

 

We have got up at the crack of dawn and after packing and getting changed still have about 2 hours before we need to leave to catch the bus back to London. To pass the time …

Me: A documentary about fractals or The Illuminati?

Mum: Lets have the illuminati they’re always good for a laugh …

 

We’re in the car on the way back to the bus, it’s a cold morning …

“See, the other day I put anti-freeze in, like a wise virgin.”

 

Just like a wise virgin x

 

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