It’s Christmas, time to hang out with the mother. She’s a smart lady and I don’t think realizes how funny she is. So it’s time take note of all the bizarre and strangely insightful things she says over the festive period, then publish them on my blog, cheers mum xx ….
My first night down there, while watching Northern Exposure …
Mum: Ahhh yes Jewish doctors. Why can’t you find a nice Jewish doctor?
Me: I don’t know mum.
Mum: No … shame. You should.
Me: I’m trying!
I get ready to go out, admittedly looking a little odd , complete with my new tweed grandpa hat ….
Mum: Oh. You look like a latter-day Annie Hall, crossed with Madonna’s ex-husband.
Me: Guy Ritchie?
Mum: Yes him.
Christmas Day, mum looks wistfully out the window at the snow and silent streets ….
Mum: It’s so lovely and quiet out there – there’s a lot to be said for the neutron bomb.
Doing the Observer Boxing Day quiz, trying to find the answers to the questions about songs …
1) Observer Clue: We meet a young lady recovering from an abusive relationship. Confused and lonely, she seeks solace in an all-too-familiar cycle of sexualty and victimhood, inviting back into her life the very man who left her blinded.
Me: That’s …
Mum: That’s life darling.
Answer: Britney Spears ‘Baby One More Time’
2) Observer: This plucky chap was born during a spell of terrible weather and it’s all downhill from there – he’s abused by his bearded toothless mum and nobody cares when he nearly drowns. But, with irrepressible spirit, he can look back at the hard times and laugh.
Answer: Irrelevant after that clanger.
I ask mum to heat up my coffee, she huffs about it ..
Me: There’s no need to looks so pissed off.
Mum: I don’t look pissed off this is my natural face now.
Mum looks up from making an omelette ….
Mum: I’m an anorcho-syndaclist.
Me: What’s that?
Mum: Look it up.
Me: Why are you talking in a German accent?
Mum’s listening to the radio…
Mum: What’s R Kelly?
Sitting down, watching a wildlife documentary – one humming bird is eating nectar but another larger one turns up, the smaller one must stand his ground. Mum’s words of encouragement to the little hummingbird …
Mum: Go on babe, don’t let him piss on your parade.
Mum buys a copy of Life of Brian from a charity shop, it was £1.99.
“I can’t believe it. £1.99, for such genius!”
In reference to God ..
Yes, well, I haven’t seen much of this heavenly compassion lately mate.
Mum has the camera, I strike a pose ..
Mum: Try not to look so arrogant in photos darling.
Mum talking about someone useless she knows …
Mum: He couldn’t slide shit down a shovel.
Just about to leave the house I am asked out of the blue …
Mum: What country in Europe has the highest crime rate?
Me: I don’t know …
Mum: The Vatican City.
Me: Really? Are you sure?
Mum: Yeup. And the youngest age of consent.
Me: How young?
Me: That’s pretty odd.
Mum: It’s very odd.
Mother speaking words of wisdom…
” Loyalty, it’s a great quality – not just in spies.”
And some more…
“If in doubt – call an ambulance.”
In reference to me breaking things …
Mum: Like that bloody computer you had that Jack chose, that was over a grand … Didn’t last three years.
Me: It lasted from before college to my third flat it Brixton.
Mum: You could’ve got a car for that money.
Me: No I couldn’t and that was 7 years, it lasted 7 years.
Mum: Car would have lasted longer.
Me: What car of yours has ever lasted 7 years?
Mum: This one.
Me: No it hasn’t.
Paolo Nutini comes on …
Mum: Oh this is Louis Nutini!
Me: Paolo Nutini?
Mum: Yeah – I thought he was a shrivelled old Jamaican.
Mum admires her fruit bowl…
“The fruit looks good, I hope you noticed I picked lemons and limes, Caravaggio would’ve liked that.”
Mum asking Jesus…
What would Bob Marley do?
Mum get’s her fill of choirs while watching the young boys choir at King’s College …
“That’s the thing about choirs and tv – the close ups. They sound like angels and you don’t want to see they don’t look like them.”
Later in the day when another beard has been thrust in mums face …
Mum: It’s the time of year for men with beards, every time I look up there’s a man with a beard. I blame Jesus.
Mum’s been out for a walk…
Walking does seem a purposeless activity unless you’ve got a dog.
Mum eating stilton and crackers …
“Oh chutney. Yeah, man.”
A friend has contested that I go to the loo more than is normal. I put this to my mother.
Mum: Well darling, I think it’s the same as with everything, you’ve got to get it while it’s there.
Mum loses the pepper …
Mum: That’s the trouble, you’ve got to know where you’ve put things.
Me furiously tidying, try to force mum to join in …
Mum: Haven’t I told you I’m an anarcho-syndicalist?
Me: I’m an anarcho-syndicalist on facebook now – ner.
Mum: You didn’t even know what an anarcho-syndicalist was!
Me: Doesn’t mean I wasn’t one.
Mum: You’d never stand up in interrogation. Your knowledge of the unions is very dodgy.
Me: So is yours.
Mum: No its not, I used to hoot for the firemen.