It’s Mothers Day! Yes mum, Dignitas hasn’t taken you yet. So let’s quickly get out some more of your weirdness while we can, before they come and wheel you away x
I’m up in London and on the phone to mum. I have what I consider to be very important, official, business, adult meetings. I have spent 20 minutes telling mum how important and grown up I am. She says goodbye and signs off …
“Have fun at your little meetings ….”
Mum is talking about death, dignitas and dementia, again. Her holy trinity …
Mum: Now, seriously …. will you tell me if I ever go mad?
Me: I do.
We’re watching Gogglebox, Gladiators on, it’s the really poignant bit where he’s dying and dreaming of getting back to his dead wife and son. He’s slowly walking through the fields to them; spiritual, moving music is playing. I’m welling up …
Mum: The farmer will be absolutely furious with him! Striding through all that wheat …
Moments later the old couple are being very sweet together, “I’ll always come back to you June.” I don’t cry at TV in front of people, but we are both sobbing. I am sobbing secretly.
Mum’s re-decorating the house for it to be sold. We finally have a new fridge, and it’s black. Mum thinks it’s very snazzy. I actually think it’s quite snazzy too.
Mum: Now I’ve got the Fridge I don’t really care where I live now. I could quite happily live in the car with the fridge.
Me: I’d just live in the fridge.
We’re in the car listening to the radio, mum starts repeating, sounding like Hyacinth Bouquet …
Mum: Slow digestive tract, I love that. Sloooooow digestive tract.
Me: Yeah. Wow. That’s really awesome mum.
It’s the same programme just moments later …
Mum: Statins I want some statins everyone has statins, I’m feeling a bit left out if I’m honest. Jocq has statins, Nikki has them – where’s my bloody statins! I pay my taxes!
Mum’s talking about living with Picasso …
“I believe Picasso was like a Monet, incredible from a distance but …. to those up close to it, just a bit of a mess.”
Mum is inspecting Kim Kardashian in the paper …
Mum: She’s deformed herself! That bottom has been inflated to the point where is an actual deformity now. She’s a very strange looking creature.
Me: I think she is a lizard person. I think most of them are. And I think we’re all stupid for looking at them. They should be ignored like the pricks driving around in Porsches.
Mum’s reading about a pig brothel in America. We find out after it’s a joke. But to be honest, I’m pretty sure it’s inspired by a true story. Anyway …
Mum: Pig brothels, well, there you go. That’s America for you!
Me: Yeah, that’s pretty much all they’ve got to offer I think. That’s why I’m going …
Jeremy Clarkson’s been suspended and I’m sorry Guardian readers, we’re pretty saddened by it … I’ll be honest. I find Clarkson hilarious – this does not mean I think he is the best guy on the planet, but that’s not his purpose. He’s never claimed to be Mother Teresa ….
Mum: I don’t care if it’s not cool, I love top gear, I love Jeremy Clarkson. Everything else is so bloody boring and bland. He does most of this stuff to wind people up, because nowadays it’s so bloody easy. Everyone constantly taking offence.
Me: I think everyone’s just turning in to this pathetic sort of amorphic blob that moans a lot from its sofa and is constantly taking offence via twitter or facebook because they’re too lazy to take offence anywhere else and they’re too stupid to think of an original thought.
There’s a pause. Mum’s got nothing more to say. It’s not often I get to be opinionated, most people find it “annoying,” so I seize this opportunity …
Me: Offence is the zeitgeist now and it means every thing’s turning in to the One Show. … Maybe Clarkson could blow them all up. That’d really wind them up.
Aaaaand we’re back to Dignitas. She knows when to do this. When I’m trapped in a vehicle moving at high speed. When there’s no escape …
Mum: I want to be able to say “ok that’s enough now. I’m bored of this. Going to another level.”
Me: Ok, mum. I got it.
Mum: Because I don’t believe death’s the end of everything, I don’t necessarily believe in after life but there’s something going on.
Me: You reckon the fabric of space time is up to something?
Mum: Yeah, something very fishy is going on up there …
Love you. Stick at it mum. There’s plenty of time for Dignitas, we have many more snazzy fridges to live in before then x x x
