Here is a long overdue sprinkling of words I have heard my mother say over the summer, may they get you through the last of it ….
Mum is off to Ireland for a wedding, she is on the phone to my godfather, I overhear part of the conversation …
“Are you bringing your hairdryer? ….. Please do …. Good, so it’s not a flea pit then …”
Mum is reading me the news of the century, a bust up between a bearded Irish man and a lady on the Great British Bake Off. She begins …
“Bearded Irish man and … well, quite frankly a bearded woman … “
This one’s for computer nerds, mum wants to put all our family videos together in one space … in computer land …
Mum: Someone said I should put all those videos on a jpeg.
Me: I don’t think they said jpeg …
I then go to mock her but realize I’ve temporarily forgotten what a memory stick is called.
Mums on the phone to someone else talking about a lunch …
“Yes, well, Jade said I’d have fun but I have such a palsied view on mankind.”
I am completing my nocturnal routine and eating an entire packet of Jaffa Cakes …
Mum: You should have some porridge.
Me: YOU should have some porridge.
Mum looks at me aghast.
Mum: I DID have my porridge! I have my porridge every day!
I’m chopping Vegetables …
Mum: I’m thinking about becoming a nun, seriously.
Me: Me too, seriously.
Mum: But a proper nun, not one of these ones that walk about in denim habits and crocs.
Me: Would solve our accommodation problems.
Mum: Exactly ….
There’s a pause …
Mum: Or prison …
Me: Who’s to say we don’t have options.
Some prat is prattling on about Facebook on the television, mum talks over him …
“Facebook and X – Box to keep them quiet. Just like what the Romans said, “Bread and circuses to keep them quiet.”
We’re watching the tennis …
“One thing I really like about Murray is he doesn’t bloody grunt.”
Mum is looking through The Sunday Style …
“There’s too much of this ‘Shoreditch Sheen’ about. I’m very bored of it.
Mum is starting to take a religious view on morbid obesity …
“I don’t mind big or curvy, but when it comes to obesity, well, you’ve got to leave room for the Holy Spirit!”
We’re watching Countryfile or something like that, the presenter calls Yorkshire a “Sexy place” …
“Sexy place?! It’s Yorkshire, for Christ’s sake!”
We’re back watching the tennis, it’s tense. Mums obviously on Murray’s side …
“These guys are mentally there. Nothing rattles them … “
Murray misses a ball …
“… But Murray obviously hasn’t got his third eye in yet.”
We are putting out the recycling, mum is inspecting the packages for erroneous materials when she says ….
“The garbage men are going to be like “someone has a real Jaffa Cake problem here.’”
It’s night, a car backfires in the distance, it sounds a bit like a gun shot …
“Ah the rebels are at it again, re-taking the powerhouse that is Barnstaple.”
