I get in to the car the first thing I see is a bottle of empty Witch Hazel stuffed next to the gear stick.

Me: Have you been drinking Witch Hazel?

Mum: Yes I’ve been going mad for it.

Mum’s talking about how tough it was in the old days, again …

Mum: In my day …

Me: You were lucky to be alive.

It’s Christmas Eve Eve and mum’s put on her pyjamas and has decided to stretch out her shoes by putting them over some rather alarming furry, stripy socks and then preceding to cook supper. I am in hysterics … 

Mum: What? This is high fashion sweetie, you go round Kate’s she’s always wearing these.

She is continuing to fart about in high heels and furry stripy socks …

Mum: Comfort over all, that’s the thing about going out, one can’t be as comfortable as one would wish.

Me: Thank God.

Mum is behaving like a 4 year old and wants to talk about all the presents that are sitting in front of us, so no one is surprised on Christmas Day.

Me: Mum, please, control yourself.

Mum: Oh I’m ALWAYS controlling myself … damn good thing too.

Mum brings out one of her Christmas jumper options from the wardrobe, it is possibly the first time it’s seen the light of day. She inspects it in the light for a couple of seconds …

“Oh, great. The moths have been at it …. fucking bastards.”

It’s Christmas Eve and back at home with the Twists, there’s no heating, well, mum has refused to turn it up past Arctic, so I have wrapped myself up in a light blue scarf to prevent heat loss from my head. I look a little like Mary, except I imagine Mary did not have blue lips. Mum looks at me and cries out …

“Oh yes, that is great! Get the camera darling, not many people can get away with a veil.”

Mum, out of the (turning) blue ..

Mum: I make very good cakes because I have cold hands.

Me: Good?

We’ve just had Christmas eve supper and we want some chocolates, as usual, there’s none in the house.

Mum: Sugar is the devil.

Me: Which is why it’s best enjoyed at Christmas.

Mum: Yes, exactly. Why do you think it turns up at all these religious festivals, it’s no coincidence.

It’s Christmas Day and we’re watching some carols, a man is vigorously conducting the choir, and next to me, so is mum …

Me: Thank goodness they’ve got you here conducting …

Mum: Oh don’t be so silly.

We’re on the way to our friends for lunch, there is a rather excited woman singing some of the most painful gospel I’ve ever heard  ..

Mum (to the radio): Yes, ok very good dear …

There is a climactic screeching warble about Jesus …

Mum: Good God! What is she on?! I want some.

Me: Christ. I don’t.

We arrive at Appledore and see a strange wire-y statue of an angel …

Mum: Oh look … A deconstructed angel!

Me: I thought you were talking about me then …

Mum: It’s not always about you darling.

It’s present opening time and our friends little girl has opened another present revolving around One Direction, mum screams out ..

“Oh Honey! This is riches beyond the dreams of avarice!”

‘Twister Rave’ has been given as a present, we are all discussing whether or not we can play Twister, mum interjects …

“I can play poker.”

I gave my mum a bottle of Kings Ginger, which is pretty lethal stuff, fortunately I only gave her a tiny bottle, but the whole lot went as soon as we got back home. Then mum went on Facebook, and instead of spreading good cheer, has spread disaster, regardless of this I hear her shout …

Mum: I am the bard of the internet!

Me: You are the comment monster.

Mum: Here I come ….. Oh no. I’ve made another serious error here. Oh well. I say so little everyone loves it when I do.

I can hear mum on the phone to a friend …

“Oh darling no, you just do NOT wear diamonds in the day time, so vulgar.”

We’re watching Poirot …

Me: What the hell’s going on?

Mum: I don’t know but it’s all so stylish I don’t care.

I love you mum, best Christmas Ever x x x