Motherisms – Festive Special …
Yes, hello hello little mice.
As routine as disappointment, but hopefully less disappointing it’s time for another round of Motherisms! Wahey!
Mum has just picked me up from the station, we are in the car. (FYI – neither of us would be considered as religious) …
Mum: I’m starting to get very angry with Richard Dawkins.
Me: I got angry with him years ago. It’s this arrogance he has I don’t like.
Mum: Me too, all atheists have it. How does he know, think you’re so smart Dawkins then how come the more physicists learn the less they understand fractals?
Me: Er .. yeah.
We are going past houses that that have been engulfed by luminous inflatable “santas” and epilepsy-inducing fairy lights, mum looks at them and says …
“Smells, bells and all in Latin. That’s what Christmas should be.”
I am with my friend Jack and mother, we get on to the subject of my birthday ….
Me: Not many people have the same birthday as me.
Mum: Stephen Lawrence had the same birthday as you.
Jack: Who’s that?
Me: The poor kid who was murdered.
Jack, mum and I are now talking about the Frozen Planet polar bear debacle …
Me: I can sort of see why they’re a bit miffed, but I don’t understand how they can value it as something worth spending time complaining about.
Mum: Exactly. And more to the point, if a parent polar bear sees a predator they eat their babies.
Me: Polar bears eat their babies so the predators can’t?
Me: How does that make sense?
Mum: It just does.
We’re watching the choir sing carols at Kings College on television …
Mum: Look at that stained glass, it’s to die for.
Me: Mmm …
Mum: We used to go tripping in there, great place to go tripping.
I force mum to go to Midnight mass with me as I feel I should have experienced it once in my life. There is a moment where everyone is told to turn around, shake hands and say “pleased to meet you” to each-other. Having completed this ritual with a few parishioners I turn to mum as people are starting to hug each other. I am verging on a freak-out …
Me: Well, I can say “pleased to meet you.”
Mum: It’s “peace be with you” darling. And no, this is all alarmingly tactile and Christian, I’m not used to it.
Later in Midnight Mass I have confused what I am supposed to be doing – asking for a blessing not taking holy communion. I realise this after I’ve drunk the wine. I run back to our pew, damned for sure.
Me: I drank the wine! You didn’t tell me I wasn’t supposed to drink the wine! Oh God.
Mum: I’m sure he’ll forgive you. Jesus was pretty big on forgiveness.
Completely out of the blue ..
Mum: I’m ashamed to admit it but I just love Happy Feet. If I ever go ga-ga and put in a home, will you make sure that’s on a loop?
Me: Yes mum.
We’re in the car, obviously not the most flattering lighting for me …
Mum: You’re very pale and spotty.
Me: Thanks mum.
Mum: Well darling all London girls are.
Me: No they’re not.
Mum: Let’s not focus on that.
We’re peeling vegetables for Christmas lunch. Dancing In The Street is on the cd player.
Mum: Now this is a good funeral song.
Me: Oh God! I thought I might at least escape your death on Jesus’ birth.
Mum: Nope. Sorry. No one’s stopping this party.
I am in charge of stuffing …
Mum: The stuffing’s awfully presented.
Me: It’s artisan stuffing.
Mum: Fuck off.
Christmas lunch is finally cooking, it’s time to take mums friends dogs for a walk …
Mum: Right! Let’s go dogging!
I look at mum in amused horror. She’s already turned to talk to the cat, in a baby voice …
Mum: That’s right Bob, we’re off dogging!
I am now in hysterics.
Me: You know dogging has two meanings …
Mum: Oh yes. No, I do. Dogging’s quite big in Devon, people leave their boots on trees. Paul told me.
I am tidying up …
Mum: Did you hear they’d changed the voice-over woman on Master Chef who sounded like she was having sex with vegetables.
Mum: Now they’ve got a man who sounds like he’s having sex with vegetables. I blame Nigella.
We are watching a Christmas University Challenge ..
Jeremy Paxman: What quotes itself as being “gossip, fashion, and sex for the contemporary woman.”
Mum: A Kardashian.
Another University Challenge …
Jeremy Paxman: Name the city highlighted in red …
Jeremy Paxman: Beijing.
Mum: Nearly there darling!
I am trying on an odd cardigan …
Me: I don’t understand why they’ve cut off half of the back of it.
Mum: Who cares, you’ve got a great bum.
Me: Wow. Ok.
Mum: And it’s Nicole Farhi.
I’ve told the maintenance man to turn on the taps so the boiler doesn’t explode, mum doesn’t trust I have or he has, having driven off five minutes ago, she forces us to return ….
Me: I do wish you’d have a bit more faith in people.
Mum: Yes, well it’s never been justified in the past.
I put on Frasier …
Mum: I just love Frasier, if I ever go ga-ga and put in a home, will you make sure this is on a loop?
Me: Yes mum.
Mum’s reversed, not entirely concentrating. She accelerates to drive off. There’s a crunch ….
Mum: What’s that noise?
Me: We’re attached to the fence.
I had the most wonderful time mother, I’m sorry we argued on Christmas Day, but I’ve done some research and it turns out everyone did. We’re normal!